Ubuntu- I am, becuase we are.

And just like that the lights went out. Everything was pitch black. The light abandoned us through tiny pinpricks that instantly appeared in the sky. My hand stalled and a smile crossed my face, powers out again. In a way, it was comforting. I resumed my task and began stirring the liver again until the sizzling started to lessen. I glanced back up. The sky captivated me, drawing me in. The stars are different here you know. Like most of life here, half of the horizon boasts close variations of familiar designs, while the other side is captivatingly novel. I was becoming overwhelmed by GOD's goodness through His creation, when I felt it. The old woman was staring at me from the darkness across the charcoal stove. I couldn't see her, but I felt it. Our eyes locked in the blackness, and in a quiet way it was pacifying. The woman was of a different time, dark skinned blurred by years of memories. She crept with a powerful hunch, and her tongue only named the world through the words of her people. She was a mystery, and I knew she stared at me. I gazed back into the emptiness unafraid. In the moment, we saw each other for who we were. Not just physical bodies, or contrived personalities, simply us. Our essences mingling, I was lost in our invisible gaze. Then, without warning, the lights came back on, and I saw that we were strangers.

WHOA we're half way there... WHOA living on a prayer

Welp. Today is the day, I'm half way through my little excursion, and let me assure you that is weird. Not really becuase I feel as if time has just flown by,although it has, but because I feel like I have been gone forever.

My time thus far has been up and down, but excitedly mostly up. Overall the last 2 and a quarter months have been some of the more positive times in the last couple of years. Not to say everything is perfect... I still furiously disdain writing papers, the program is hard and every once a blue moon I do find myself missing people, but its been good.

Sometimes I get messages from people about how I'm supposed to be here, and that GOD is using me and my situation constantly. This is encouraging. So I want to convey a completely related truth to whoever reads this... GOD totally wants you where you are, He is using you, and is growing you in awesome ways. Just like I expect to learn or do something impactful everyday, and so I often catch more of the lessons He wants to teach me, if you have the same expectations I guarantee you'll pick up on alot of His lessons.

sigh...

on another note I've been playing guitar once every 2 or 3 days since being here and have rediscovered my love for leading worship and writing songs. Now, to be honest I never lost this love, but I just never pursued lately it in the presence of others (with a couple exceptions) I hope this will continue to be a part of my life for a while.

Just so you know the weather this last week has been getting slightly hotter (or maybe I'm just getting tired of always wearing dress pants...) My beard is getting quite a bit bigger. I'm starting to enjoy ironing my clothes every morning and taking a bucket bath everynight. Oh, and I sleep at least 9 hours a night.

I've also severely slacked in the physical activity... I played soccer the other day at a compassion international daycare type place and thought I was going to pass out. haha. It would shame any soccer coach I ever had. But hopefully I'm going to go running today, well.. maybe tomorrow.

welp yeah that's about it, I gotta go read for class and then write my paper... "How did the Creation account influence the formation of the political philosophies of Thomas Aquinas and Augustine of Hippo?" fun fun stuff...

(saying fun fun stuff reminded me of fun dip, which immediately translated into dunkaroos... I wonder if there is a single dunkaroo on this continent... haha.)

I love you guys,
drew

Just because I wonder doesn’t mean I’m lost
Just because I’m not here doesn’t mean I’m gone
I just can’t buy what you’ve bought
I’m not satisfied with the cost

The email

I freeze and begin to come apart, grasping for anything to keep me together, I find nothing within arms length. So I start to fall, tumbling, splintering, splitting apart at every seam. I hit the ground hard, and the impact ripples through my now disjointed self, like a vase off of a shelf I have hit the floor and now fragments of my mind are covering the carpet. This whole occurrence takes place without a noise, but with a flash of white light, I'm back together. I find I’m intact. Everything is just as it was... my body is still, fingers poised over the keyboard, and my eyes reading the words in the email. I hesitantly glance up to see if anyone else in the room has noticed what just happened, that the world just changed. Nobody has flinched. I attempt to gather my emotions, to string together syllables with the capacity to explain the chaos in my heart, but nothing resembling coherence comes. I am alone here. I send off text messages to those who would know, but silence sings their reply. No solace will awake for eight more hours, for you see my world is still asleep. And so I want to call out, to speak up, or to break down, but no one would understand, and no words could give it justice. So I just sit here wondering what is holding me together. The curse words can't come, there is no guitar in sight, nothing to hit, and nowhere to run. I am stuck yet I know I am ok, for in some way I am still together. It doesn't make sense. I'd rather have fallen apart and had tears, my music, or a knowing hug rather than this odd composure, birthed from sudden, complete numbness. I tell everyone the basics of what has transposed, laugh at something insincere, and then prepare my escape. After an acceptable time has lapsed, just long enough to elude serious looks or questions, I get up slowly. I settle the shaking, and walk out of the room.
An hour later and I still haven't done anything at all, just walked around and had shallow interactions. Strangely, that weird binding agent, the mysteriously thing that held me together is increasing in intensity. Slowly rising forth to the surface of my consciousness, it annoys me, yet it grows in strength. I finally admit that I know what it is: the peace that Jesus Christ graciously gives. However, I don’t want it, I fight it, but its keeps covering me. Like one might fight a giant hug when they need it the most, or refuse medicine because that would mean they were sick, I throw up my arms in protest. My ineffective resistance is smothered, for I was already enveloped in His arms. I protest that this isn’t the kind of release I wanted, it doesn’t take away my pain, it only assures me that it is and will be ok. I find I am enabled to embrace the brokenness without fear or hesitation, for I know He will hold me together. Somehow, I will not be moved. The whole experience transcends understanding, as I am both overwhelmed by emotion, and calm in the simple acknowledgment that yes, yes, my GOD is holding me.

glory to the One I could never give sufficient praise to,
drew

Today the world is a little different

ok... so about 12 minutes to write this post.

Dear Everyone,

Sorry I have taken a little while to give a legit update, but I've been really hesitant to write anything.

I'm doing really well though, somedays a lot better than others, but eh thats life huh? Somedays I just walk around and half to laugh in joy about how beautiful life is, or how gorgeous creation is here, or sometimes I find myself lying in bed just basking in the love of Jesus. Those are wonderful wonderful moments. Everything seems bright and hope is found easily. Than there are days when I'm just plumb tired. I wrestle with ideas or challenges almost everyday here and sometimes you just get tired. Tired of wondering if I'm engaging in the community more, or if I'm being too much of a tourist, and weary trying to live a life of a neverending balancing act. On those days, I just pray emotionless prayers and try to note, evaluate, and then often disregard my emotions. I don't have time in life to have pity days. haha.

It is good. Today is 2 months since I've left home and I definitely feel adjusted (for the most part.) Classes are still challenging, but I should get a break this next week, and then in 2 and a half weeks I go to my rural homestay out by the border of kenya. (more details to follow.)

facebook... is a blessing and a burdern. enough said.

Its weird not being able to truly be there for people back home. I can love and encourage with words, but nothing equates to proximity. There is this longing sometimes just for teleportation, even if just for a second to look someone in the eye, tell them I love them, and then share a second hug. I know this is pretty cliche... but its endearing the things you miss, and freeing to think about the things you don't.

I'm starting 2 new books for classes now... and one of them is Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger. it should be interesting... and is so far just explaining in detail over and over again, how bad the majority of the world sucks. haha.

Well... I got to go to class. Oh, and I went whitewater rafting on the Nile this last weekend. 36 km. It was fun.

cya guys, thanks for reading... I'll try to update more often.
with loaned love,
drew