Every Chapter Ends

Well...

God willing and if the creek don't rise, tomorrow morning I will leave Ecuador.

By the time I get home it will have been 116 days.  Not a lifetime by any means, but definitely a season of life.  A season with ups and downs, mountains and valleys.  A season that refuses to be nicely packaged.

So how do you sum up such an experience?  Can it be told in a hour over coffee or through a picture album on facebook?  Surely a blog fails to do it justice.  No, such a season of life is retold over the years.  It is shared through the stories that burn to be told at the most random of times, the "this smell reminds me of..." moments that transport one to a forgotten place, and the shared struggle not to forget the people you came to love.

As a result, when someone asks me how was my time in Ecuador, I am prepared to answer Really good.  This answer does not connote that I am forgetting the loneliness, frustrations, parasites, struggles, or hard times that arose during these 116 days.  Really good communicates that I am defining this semester based on the singularly most important and influential factor of the last several months (and of entire my life):  God's goodness.  

How incredibly have I been blessed?  In our culture, words were given meanings originally transcendent of the normal daily experiences, but these words have become watered down (eg. A sandwich is awesome.  The new iPhone incredible and amazing.).  As a result, my words fail to accurately describe how good God has been to me.  He brought me to college.  He enabled me to come down here to finish up, and then He carried me through the experience.  Every accomplishment, every shred of grace in my life is just that, undeserved favor.  I've got nothing, and I am not strong or good enough to produce something to change that reality.  Just recognizing all this makes my time down here Really good.   Were there disappointments during the last 113 days here?  Honestly, yes, there were many.  But that's okay.  That's life.  The storm blows over my lawn furniture and some tiles off the roof.  A tree comes through a window, and it all might like a disaster, but my foundation is secure.  Whether I rest in that fact or I allow the damages and the places to rebuild consume my days, my foundation is secure.  Jesus is stronger than the storm, and He puts my feet on solid ground and holds me up.  

I cannot afford to forget this reality, because tomorrow I leave this tempest in order to jump into the rest of my life (which I endearingly refer to as a huge chasm, the void replete of details).  I have no clue what the future holds.  I don't know what I'll be doing.  I don't even really know what I want to be doing, and its okay.  Chapters end, and new ones begin.  And let's be honest, if we always knew or had a plan for the next chapter, there'd be less motivation to be excited for the author's creativity.  

In conclusion of this blog post, I would like to thank anyone who has cared enough to read some or even all of these updates over the last couple of months.  I think I know who most of you are, and I can honestly say that you warm my heart.  There's no way I deserve to have such good friends and family. 

Catchya on the flip side,
Drew

I've been slacking...

Man I'm slacking on this whole blog thing (and I'm currently a little tired) so time for a brief update on my life and then some pictures...

Hm... bullet points will work I suppose.

• During Thanksgiving break I went to a place called Baños.  There, I explored some waterfalls, ate lots of the local taffy, and then rented a jeep with some friends and took it up into the mountains, which included me learning to drive manual as we went (don't worry! There was only one or two scary moments!)
• After that trip I went into academic game-mode and busted out my last couple of papers and finals, meaning that last tuesday I essentially finished college.  I honestly hadn't thought a ton about that fact until it was upon me. Its pretty cool though to be done.  I just look back and have to give all the glory to God.  He gave me the abilities, then the opportunity, and on top of all that He still basically carried me through it all. 
• The last week I was in the Jungle doing a VBS and teaching English.  When you travel off the beaten paths, sometimes you meet people who live such different lives than you do it can be hard to even comprehend what its like to be them.  I had some of those moments this last week for sure.  I can't relate to what its like not to be able to afford soap. 
•  I was diagnosed with an acute infection of toxoplasmosis (which is a parasite that comes from cat feces or undercooked meat).  Its kinda messing with my energy and emotions, but overall no big deal!  God's grace is more than enough.
• Last night, my friends and I had a toga Christmas party with some Ecuadorian food. 
• In two days, I leave for our semester's beach debrief (not such a bad deal huh?)
• In ten days I'll be leaving Ecuador. 
• In eleven days, I have the honor of being in my friends wedding
• In twelve days, I'll be home. 
• A longer blog talking more about where I'm at will follow at some point.  Until then... 

Baños!

The Cathedral of the town.  One of the nights a traveling symphonic orchestra came and played here.  It was pretty incredible.

Chocolate Banana Empanadas... que rico! I might have eaten more than necessary.

I just thought this was a sweet sight of the Ecuadorian flag and the valley.

While in Baños, a couple of my friends went "bungie jumping," which sometimes in Ecuador means jumping off bridges attached to a climbing rope.  I chose not to. 

The Jeep we rented (Jurassic Park anybody?) 

Learning to drive manual

 A street in Baños.  As you can tell its a pretty touristic place.

Represent!!!

A chiva, or party bus, that we rented and were driven around to see some of the waterfalls!  (You can't tell it in this picture, but this is actually the dance space with some big ole speakers under the seats)

 And of course... I gotta throw in one artistic pic.

Well... that was harder than expected.

The last couple of weeks have been un poco loco.  So i'm going to split my update into two.

First of all, I climbed a volcano last weekend.

The summit  of Pichincha is at 15,400 feet, which means its taller than any peak in the continental US.  The climb took somewhere in between 8-9 hours, and it was crazy beautiful.  After we had been climbing for a while, our friend and guide Daniel asked if any of us would like to go through the pass of death.  I thought to myself, Oh that sounds like fun, besides it can't be that bad.  I was wrong.

This was the razor's edge that lead to the pass of death.... notice how the "path" disappears into the clouds.  Daniel just hopped up there and started climbing

.
Nobody from our group made a move to follow him, so I thought eh... let's do this.  The razor's edge turned out to be a thirty or forty minute climb up a ridge that was about 3-4 feet wide with hundred feet drop offs on both sides.  This is what I saw while climbing up the razor's edge...

Except of course for the times I looked to the right or left... then I saw this.  (I think this was around the time I almost had a little freak out moment.  Its a weird thing knowing you could so easily die.)

Whenever we finally got to the pass of death, we decided it would be a good idea to use a rope.  (See Mom, I'm trying to be safe!)



So we did!  Except for the time Daniel asked me to take off my harness so somebody else could wear it. (their leg strap had broken). That was really exciting!  (And just in case you're wondering at this point... a lot of these pictures did require a decent amount of effort. I don't actually recommend climbing this stuff with an DSLR.)

I'm not really sure why, possibly the fact that we had a rope, but the pass of death was considerably less intimidating than the razor's edge climb.  In fact, it was more fun than anything.  This is a view of the pass of death from the other side




Eventually, we just started climbing straight up to the top, passing through land that reminded me of Mars...

Coupled with some views that were astounding.  It was hard not to praise Jesus for the magnificence of His creation.  As one of my friends kept saying when she saw something beautiful, "I see what you're doing there God."

Then we made it to the top!  The following picture is our victorious group pic... and although the intent was confidence and accomplishment, I'm not sure what my stance actually communicates

Pensive Pic!

On the way down, we got to go down a scree (really really fine dirt/sand) portion of the mountain!  It was so fun.  You just started running and then you could just start sliding/skiing down the mountain.

After the scree we continued the long hike back to the base camp thing.  

By the time we finished everyone was so exhausted, but so incredibly thankful for God's provision and protection!  It was such a crazy beautiful day!

I don't want to

After this semester, I want to go home. I’m tired of being gone.  I’m tired of feeling transient and rootless.  I want to go home, start my career, live with my family and figure out the next step as it comes.  I want to have a rhythm, and maybe start looking at grad schools.  I want to start my life.

But I feel like there's a chance God might have a different idea,  I’m not happy about it.

Family First

          First, it seem to start while thinking about my family, specifically my brothers, and the choices I've made to stay close to them.  I figure anyone reading this blog probably knows these things but I’ll restate them anyways:

What was one of the biggest motivations for choosing JBU? To be close to my brothers.

Why was I in Tulsa this summer?  So I could be close to my family and support them.

Why have I never really considered overseas missions? Because I can’t bear the idea of being away from my family for that long. 

In the midst of these reflections God asked me… “Is your family an idol?”  Laughing, I dismissed this question, “Of course not, I just love them a lot.” To which I felt Him reply, “Do you love them more than me?  Because that’s the definition of an idol.”  Drat.  *Sigh* I don’t know… 

I Don’t Feel That

          On top of that, the theme of evangelism in other countries has been showing up in most things I've read lately.  For example, this last week I read Through the Gates of Splender by Elizabeth Elliot.  The book recounts the story of Jim Elliot and friends and how they worked towards the evangelism of the Huaorani tribe in Ecuador.  I began reading the book out of duty as it was an assignment for a class.  As I started, I assumed that I was already overly familiar with the story and the whole thing would just be a review.  Of course, I was wrong.  The book inspired and challenged me.  One thing in particular that stood out to me was the men’s passion for people to hear good news of Jesus.  They yearned for the Huaorani people to know the gospel, they hungered for it, they risked their lives for it. 

          That yearning, that hunger, I am not sure I know what that feels like.  I’ve studied missions. I’ve been on mission trips. I’ve shared the gospel with people.  But, I am unfamiliar with the urgency that these men felt concerning people who hadn’t received an opportunity to know the truth.  I don’t feel it like they did.  Maybe its because I don’t consider the gospel to be that big of a treasure, or perhaps I don’t actually believe in hell.  Whatever the reason, I don’t feel the urgency that drove the lives of those men. I want to feel it.

Don’t Miss The Point

          Then tonight, I was reading Radical by David Platt.  In one chapter he asks what is the central message of Christianity.  The most common answer he receives from people is “God loves me.”  What though are the ramifications of such an answer?  Note the object in that sentence: me.  A obvious result of this thinking is that the central message of Christianity begins to revolve around us. 

          In contradiction to this reasoning, God makes it pretty clear in the Bible that He is actually in the middle of it all.  Consider Ezekiel 36:22-23

Therefore say to the Israelites, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: It is not for your sake, people of Israel, that I am going to do these things, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations where you have gone. I will show the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, the name you have profaned among them. Then the nations will know that I am the Lord, declares the Sovereign Lord, when I am proved holy through you before their eyes.

It is for the sake of His glory that He works among us.  Our salvation is a tool through which God will glorify Himself, and this doesn't connote that He loves us any less.  It is just that He must glorify Himself for He is worthy.  To make all of reality revolve on anything else other than Him would be unfitting.  God is God and He deserves to be in the center of every story, receiving the glory.   Speaking into this reality, Stott claims, “The message of biblical Christianity is not ‘God loves me, period.’ The message of biblical Christianity is ‘God loves me so that I might make him- his ways, his salvation, his glory, and his greatness- known among all the nations.’” 

It’s got to be about Him.  Life can’t be about my dreams, my career, my future family, or my ministry.  All of life must be about Him and His glory, and we must have lives that declare this reality to the farthest corners of the earth.  This is what we are called to do, and also the acting in it brings us the most joy possible.  We are fulfilled when we live for Him, because that is what He designed us to do.  Its like we are screwdrivers and our whole lives we've been trying to hammer in nails.  I'm sure we can manage to get some stuff done, but imagine the satisfaction in living they way we were designed to function.  We were not made for the American dream, but for the Kingdom of God and for the spreading of His great and exciting glory.

But I Don’t Want To

All of these thoughts have led me to ask the question: What if God doesn’t want me to go home and start my life?  What if instead He wants me to go out into the world and declare His goodness?  Missions.  Evangelism.  These are words that seem hard, that seem like they would take more faith and effort than I am currently able to muster.  And at the risk of seeming like a bad Christian… I don’t want to.  But what if I want you to? I feel like God asks. 

On one hand it makes sense.  I’m young.  I’m single.  I have no debt.  I have no responsibilities or commitments.  I’ve studied a little of culture.  I'm able.

But on the other hand: I’m tired.  I don’t care enough.  I’m weak in my faith, nowhere near where I’d want to be.  I’m not “called.”  Plus, if this counts for anything, I don’t want to.  

I want to be willing though.  And this is definitely something for which I’ll be praying (please pray as well!).  Maybe I just need some time to rest before I go back out, but this life isn't mine right?  It's His.  And a soldier during the time of war doesn't always get to take leave whenever he wants.  Instead, sometimes He must deny his desires and do what He is able for the sake of that for which he is fighting.  This isn't all drab either.  There is beauty, life, and joy awaiting those who are obedient.  Its all kind of exciting actually.  At the same time, I would want to act not out of perceived duty, but out of obedience. 

May I live for Jesus!  I pray He keeps messing with my heart.  And regardless of what the next step turns out to be, I want to find joy in the willingness to obey, and not just in the big things, but in the small things of today as well. 

I get to do this?

Where do I start?

Galapagos I suppose.

Last week my group went to the Galapagos Islands. The Galapagos are a group of 13 volcanic islands approximately 500 miles off the coast of Ecuador.  They are famous not only for their beauty, diverse and unique ecosystems, and giant tortoises, but they are also the place where Darwin researched and constructed a lot of his ideas on evolution (eventually published under the book The Origin of the Species.)

It was a pretty fast trip. Four days and three nights (2 on the island of Santa Cruz, and 1 on Isabella.)  The first day we traveled (two plane rides, two bus rides, and a ferry) and we arrived at our hotel let me tell you what... I was really surprised.  The place was soo nice!  For our lunch they brought out these fish steaks and you would have thought we were in a five-star restaurant or something.  I was almost uncomfortable with the quality of it all.  That afternoon we hiked across part of the island to see the Grietas which is this series of canyons that are partially filled with amazingly clear water.   At one point you can rock climb up one of the walls and cliff jump from the top (about 45 feet).  It was pretty scary actually, and I afterwards I felt like someone had spanked me really well, but it was so cool!   Here's a pretty sweet picture my friend snagged:

The next day I accidentally changed my clock the wrong direction and woke up at five in the morning, which turned out to be awesome!  I went down by the port and was able just to see a fantastic sunrise and enjoy some intentional time with Jesus.  As a a group that morning we went to a spectacular beach called Tortuga Bay.  There we were able to take a ton of pictures of Marine Iguanas, and just enjoy the sand that was as fine as flour.  It really is a beautiful place, kinda like the ones you see on movies or the travel channel, white sand... turquoise water... wildlife... beautiful people like me without their shirts on... you know.   In the afternoon we took a short boat ride to a tiny little Island and got to see some unique lava formations and more marine iguanas.  That night a couple of us went dancing at a local place and I got to laugh as two guys from Israel tried to pick up two of my friends.

The last day was my favorite.  In the morning we went and saw giant tortoises.  At one point, as I watched a two foot long tortoise much on some leaves, I realized something:  not only was this tortoise actually older than I was, but twenty years after I die, he'll probably still be living on an island munching on the same type of grass.  Kinda a humbling thought.

Then in the afternoon I got to go snorkeling for the first time!  I'm not sure I can describe how incredible it was.  At first I followed around this sting ray for a while.  Then an 8ft sea lion came and swam around us (which was a little scary actually), and I was able to swim with a school of surgeonfish.  The most amazing moment came when my friend called me over and we were able to swim with a sea turtle.  The thing was really big and had a kind of nobility to him.  Something about the graceful way that old creature moved through the water just spoke to me.  I just had to keep thanking and praising God while swimming with that guy.  It was so cool! After snorkeling we were all pretty beat and headed back to the hotel for a chill night and a beautiful sunset.  During the trip I just kept asking, "I get to do this?"  The Lord blesses me abundantly, unfairly, so generously.

Coming back from the Galapagos, it was a little hard to get back in the swing of things academically (sometimes I forget, or at least want to forget, that I'm a student still).  Then to make it worse this week I  started becoming sick, especially for the last 3 or so days.  Chills, hot flashes, headaches, loss of quality sleep, loss of appetite, coughing, eyes that hurt when I move them.  Its been a crazy ride! Kinda fun in some ways, and God has been faithful in providing everything that I need, and this morning I feel a decent bit better, I think I'll even try to teach today.

I'll close with a quote.  Yesterday, while still pretty sick I read nearly all of the book Through the Gates of Splendor, written by Elizabeth Elliot, which chronicles what God did through the lives of Jim Elliot, Nate Saint, Ed McCully, Pete Fleming, and Roger Youderian in their attempt to reach the Aucas in Ecuador.   Many things were impressed upon me while reading this book, such as how talented each of the men were, how well they planned for each step of the process, and how driven they were for evangelism (with such a passion to which I am unfamiliar).  One thing that blew my mind though was many of Jim Elliot's famous quotes were actually not penned on the mission field, but instead while he was in college, wow.  One of these quotes in particular hit me last night:

When the time comes to die, make sure that all you have to do is die.

Donde he estado

This last week has been pretty crazy. 

 I attempted to read three books on the Christian worldview.

Thursday- Saturday my group went to Papallacta, which is a village with hot springs about 2.5 hrs. away from Quito.  There, we were given the opportunity to experience the hot springs (which were really beautiful, enjoyable, but crazy hot... like to the point of pain and lightheadedness).  We also began our 7 day- 40 hour worldview class intensive, which continues to dominate my days.  The class is really cool actually and focuses on how the Biblical story impacts every part of our lives, and how God wants every part of us to reflect that reality.  The class is taught by a guy named Spencer, who is a professor who flew down from Eternity Bible College (CA) for the sole purpose to offer us this class. 

Last night, while attempting to return home from our class, my friend Jasmine and I hopped on the wrong bus and received the opportunity to travel to another city at night.  When I finally got back home hours later, my family expressed concern and then just laughed at me.  Haha.

Tonight, has been one of best nights with my family.  During dinner, I asked my mom if she knew how to play cards.   One thing led to the next, and soon I was blowing off homework to play a newly learned card game (Cuarenta) with her.   It was fun just to be confused, laugh, play, and connect with her.  Its one of the first nights I've done anything with my family besides eating. 

In two days, I leave for a little fall break trip to the Galapagos Islands!  I'm pumped.  If following this blog thing is something you do, be prepared for muchos pictures! 

Religion, Pharisees, and the Most Beautiful Journey

Time to get real.  (Note: this post is going to be longer than most... so feel free to skip to the next one.)


Ever since I was a little kid do you know what I wanted to be?  I wanted to be the best.  The best.  I think my mom, family, and close friends can account to this.

         In elementary school that meant I would be the first one done with math drills, on the winning team in kickball, and friends with the cool kids.  In fourth grade, when we had to list our three life goals, I wrote: become president, go to the University of Oxford (I had heard it was the best), and ride a jetpack (which is still a goal of mine).

         Then, in Middle school, I realized that those things didn't matter as much as I thought they did, so I shifted my sights onto greater things: I aspired to be the best Christian I could be.  I remember revering older Christian guys who seemed to live out the life that I wanted.  Everyone seemed to love them, and they seemed alive, and so I set my heart on it.  I would burn bright.  I would be a leader.  And I would serve Jesus with every fiber of my body.

         Now, was there anything wrong with those desires?  No! I think they were fantastic, but my heart quickly twisted them.  Soon the desire to burn bright resulted in creating high standards for myself.  Unattainably high standards, which I rationalized by saying it was good that I never would be able to realize these expectations, because then my consequent daily failures would ensure continued effort.  Right? This was how you gave your all right? So I kept trying, each day a little harder, except for the days I didn't, which I would regret and chastise myself, questioning my commitment to Jesus.

         Eventually, the feeling of constant failure drove me to my knees.  God I can't be good enough for you, I would consistently pray.  I want to be good! but I'm a constant screw up, hanging on strictly by Your extravagant mercy.  I don't deserve Your love. Why don't you just forget about me?  The desire to be better would keep me up at night.  (And I'm no longer just talking about Middle school, I'm talking about highschool, I'm talking about this last year.)  I have spent so many nights lying in bed, reflecting over each of the day's interactions one by one.  Failed there.  Failed there as well. Could have love more.  Eh, that was okay, but I still did this.  God I don't get how you love me, I don't really get how anybody could. If they really knew.  And those are representative of the good conversations, the ones that don't end in tears or curse words. Those are the conversations that don't follow whenever I fell to an addiction, thought about hurting myself, or screwed up a conversation with a girl.

         The fact is I've never felt good enough, and I often find my weaknesses pitiful.  Most days this disgust with my sins or just general failings can probably be stripped away to reveal simple self-loathing.  I hate that I can't be the person I want to be, the person I "should" be.  To make it worse, I take this idea that I'm not good enough and I start to see everyone around me making the same conclusion.  I know people realize how far short I fall.  My inadequacies are trumpeted in every program or position that's turned me down, and I know that girls come to the same conclusion.  I see the look in their eyes, or at least I think I do, and I reason that it is better to preemptively reject yourself, when you are pretty sure that they will as well if just given enough time.  It is always better to hurt yourself than to let others hurt you right?

         So where does all this often leave me?  Crying out for mercy.  Asking God not to turn His face from me.  Many days I strive and fight desperately for what I know I can't have on my own: approval.  I say I know grace, but the evidence seldom displays itself.  So do I really know it?  Don't get me wrong, I know the theology.  I know the verses and the ways they should affect me.  I've taught the lessons and prayed the prayers, but living in its reality escapes me most days.

         Which brings us to identifying the problem, most days I miss out on living in the life Jesus has given me.  In the pursuit of being good, personal righteousness has become my idol.  When I read the verse, For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.  I don't think Well I need to live dependently on his grace then! Instead, I'm prone think, Maybe I can do that. 

         A couple of people in the last couple months have said to me, if only you could see how much Jesus loves you Drew, the striving, the anxiety that flits in and out of each day couldn't hold you.  Well, I want that.  I do.  I pray for that in the middle of the night and randomly through the day.  When I read the Bible sometimes it hits me, and I'm overwhelmed by its truth, and other times the book seems boring or completing my homework seems like a more important task at the moment.  Why can't I just get it?

         Timothy Keller, in his book The Reason for God, explains that people avoid Jesus in two different ways.  One, some people simply reject his grace, they avoid His Lordship in their lives, and choose instead just to live however they want.  Two, other people avoid Jesus by avoiding sin.  When people (and I think I've often fit in this category) strive their hardest to avoid sin, often they also are simultaneously avoiding Jesus being their savior.   Even if they know they aren't saved by their works, they still build their identity and evaluate their relationship with God based on their track record of righteousness.   We are modern day pharisees who have perfected a religion based on Christianity.  As Keller writes, "We [pharisees] struggle for a sense of worth, purpose, and distinctiveness, but it is based on conditions that we can achieve, and that are always slipping away from us."  He goes on to say:

  "Despite all their legal righteousness, then, Pharisees have lives that are, if anything, more driven by the despair of sin.  They build their sense of worth on their moral or spiritual performance, as a kind of resume to present before God and the world.  The moral and spiritual standards are all religions are very high, and Pharisees know deep down that they are not living up to those standards.  They are not praying as often as they should.  They are not loving and serving their neighbor as much as they should.  They are not keeping their inner thoughts as pure as they should.  The resulting internal anxiety, insecurity, and irritability will often be much greater than anything experienced by the irreligious."

When I read that I needed to put the book down.  Dang.  He was almost too right on.  Each of his words seemed like they were picked out for me.  However, To borrow a lyric:

"I don't want to live that way."

      The alternative to this is a life of freedom under the acknowledgment of how much Jesus loves you.  How do you discover how much Jesus loves you though? How do you let it sink in?  Rushing through your blood stream, filling your lungs, and changing your marrow.  Letting each day be transformed by it.  Do you sit and wait for it?  What road do I need to be on, or how often do I need to read the Bible?  Cognitively, I know He loves me... like actually loves me. It is locked in my head. I mutter about it when I'm falling asleep and I talk about it alot.  And there's definitely been times in my life when I've not only felt it, but the reality of it woke me up with a smile in the morning.  But most days I don't feel it, and I'm not sure how much it changes the way I live. 

        Does the fact that I don't always feel His love mean I've forgotten it, or that I never really had it to begin with?  I've struggled with this question a lot.  The answer I've come to is No, I don't think so. I think we discover how much Jesus loves us by walking out in faith.  If the Bible is true, then His love is already there being sung over us and I just need to walk in reality daily.  That statement seems so ethereal though!  What specifically does walking in his love mean for what I do tonight or tomorrow morning?  I don't really know.  I know that I want to wake up and instead of confessing how much a better job I'm want do following Jesus today, I want to bask in His love.  I want to be loved and love Him. But all the practicalities I'm not really sure. I feel like it all comes down to this question though.  Discovering and living in the reality of how much Jesus loves me, despite what I can offer, seems more important than all those hours and days I've spent in conversations about community, leadership, missions, or even about how we can best follow Him.  It seems more important than everything.  All my thoughts, accomplishments, and efforts are nothing in comparison.

Because if He loves me, if what the Bible says is true...  I don't know.  Jesus. The cross. Me?  My eyes are threatening to cry as I write this.  My brain hurts just thinking about it.  My heart hurts wishing for it.  If He loves me...

        Right now though.... It's late. I'm tired.  It has been a long day.  So I guess I just want to end this post saying Come Lord Jesus.  And if anyone reading this can identify with any part of these ramblings, I encourage you to join me on this journey! Let us share our questions and our insights.  Just so you know, I don't think it will necessarily be a journey to a far off land, and it won't involve some sort of remarkable intellectual ascent.  It just involves learning to walk in the love that's already been spoken over us.  Learning what we already have.  Discovering Who we can have.  Abandoning lives of fear, inadequacy, and striving, in order to explore what what it would be like to be adopted into God's family. God's family!  It changes everything.  To be told, Of course you're can't be good enough, but I love you. That's crazy.  Join me though!  I don't know the way, but I'm certain its the right path.  I'm willing to bet on it. 

Through the darkness, addictions, and questions that are sure to loom ahead, I think this will be the most beautiful journey.