Adventures of a Manboy and his Father

Time to explain how my blog design relates to what has been going on inside of my heart.

First of all, the title: "Not all who wonder are lost."  This is a fragment from a poem by J.R.R Tolkien (which appears in the Fellowship of the Ring).   The stanza from which I snatched my title follows:

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

 I chose that line for two reasons.  First, my older brother once told me it was one of his favorites, and so in many ways it reminds me of him and even his story.  Second, the line represents my story as well.  I wander in more ways than I can recount.  I strive to wander from the normal American story.  I lament how I wander from Jesus.  I am constantly tempted to wander from the challenges He allows to come before me.  Still, despite these wanderings and the others unmentioned, I never feel like I'm lost.  No matter how many times I see the disappointed or chastising look in others' eyes when I say "I don't have a clue what the future holds, I just want to love God and people," I don't feel lost.  Yes, I might be a dreamer.  No, I don't have a clue about my future, but I have a feeling I'm right where I need to be. Besides,  you probably need to have a direction before you can be lost.

The subtitle: Adventures of a Manboy and his Father.  It started in February while the light outside my window had just begun to fade.  I remember sitting in my dorm room, melancholy, reflecting on on a recently butchered social interaction.  Previously lost in my thoughts, I suddenly jolted up on the couch with a realization, "Wait a second... wait one second.  I'm still struggling with the same crap I did in highschool.  I am ridiculously tired of this same old stuff.  Jesus, I'm ready to start dealing with this. Let's go."  In that moment, I saw really clearly that I was still just a boy, and do you know what I wanted to be?  A man.  A man abandoned for God, and yet, I wasn't.  Instead, I was scared of relationships.  Preoccupied with the fear that I was ugly.  Worried if anyone actually liked me.  Anxious about my to-do lists.  In a word, pathetic.  Now, I know that might seem like a harsh judgment, as pathetic truly is a strong word, but it really is stupid.  It is stupid to let fear run my life.  It is stupid to worry about things that Christ has promised He has already taken care of.  And its pathetic to still be acting like a highschool boy when I'm 23.  I know culture tells me these are perfectly reasonable struggles and that I shouldn't be so critical, but well... for me... I think that's stupid as well.

Which brings us to today.  I want to be a man of God.  I want to have deep roots that cannot be reached by the frost.  Most days, however, I still feel stuck somewhere in between the man to whom I've been called and the boy I used to be.  However, I'm tired of being scared, preoccupied, insecure, worried, and anxious.  God has already redeemed me from that crap.  He has stripped away those slavery inducing emotions from my heart, so why do I keep returning to them?  Yes, the road away from these things is hard, but it is straight.  And I praise God, for the hope of my maturation rests not in my ability to overcome, but on the faithfulness of my heavenly Father.  And when I pray, I know can ask boldly for I know these things because I have certainty that they are in His will.  That being said, I also long to couple my prayers with action.  Not letting a day go past without being in the Bible and hitting the floor in prayer, refusing to let fear dictate my social interactions, and fighting my old childish habits until they die, these are the actions that I want to be able to reflect on as I go to bed each night.

The best part of it all?  It is not just for me.  The fight for manhood is for my family, my future spouse (if God brings one), and the Kingdom of God.  And that reality gets me jazzed up.  Plus, I know He's got it! The Holy Spirit doesn't start something without the intention of finishing it.  I just ask that you would have patience with me, knowing me its still going to be a long road!

Lastly, The background: the background of my blog is white.  White represents simplicity and purity, both of with which I long to characterize myself.  I don't need to be a mystery anymore, and I am learning that not every part of me needs to say something.  Furthermore, the color white seems like a static color.   There is no question of gradation or shade with it: it just is.  I want to be like the color white.