What does it mean for me to lose my life?
For me. To lose my life. What would that mean? My possessions don't mean that much to me (I mean I like them), but could it mean giving up friends and family? Would that ever mean to say goodbye to the ones I love, or to give up my dreams and potential for the sake of seemingly menial things. Maybe. On a related note, I ask myself "How am I like the young rich ruler?" What excuse would I want to give Jesus if right now He showed up and said come follow me? I don't know! I'm not sure what excuse would attempt to come flying out of my mouth, and not knowing is not comforting: for whether or not we know what it would be, I think we all have our excuses we would want to give Jesus. Jesus, just let me finish this before I do that. Jesus, I'll follow you, but only if I can still be relatively comfortable, I mean, I promise I won't ask for that much. Jesus, I'm totally on board, but can we share that wheel? I've just got some ideas as well that I wouldn't want you to miss.
The second question I have comes from the idea that God wants to give us the desires of our hearts. Correspondingly, I ask:
What are the desires of my heart?
This is a simple answer "I don't know". I don't know what is would mean for me to lose my life. And I don't know the desires of my heart. Most days I think I have lost the ability to dream in anything short of abstract conceptions. Most days I'm a stranger to my own heart. Conditioned (by myself and others) to follow duty over desires, my heart no longer surges with specific visions, only general principles I can vaguely imagine myself embodying. It's weird. I want to have a dream, and I long to know how I might live in the Kingdom, how I can join in with what God is doing, and how I can use my head, heart, and hands.
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On a slightly different, but obviously related note, isn't it crazy that these two questions aren't mutually exclusive? God wants, but does not need, our sacrifices. In fact, He often uses our sacrifices to turn around and bless us more. So as much as I search myself for answers and insights, I recognize that finding them falls a distant second to knowing Jesus. Jesus Christ the risen one, the lover and maker of that heart I don't even know. Together with the Father and the Holy Spirit He promises to finish what He starts and to lead me through this crazy thing called life! So while I continue wrestling and asking these questions, I can also chill, He's got it.
(Although, if you know the answer to these questions for me, feel free to share!)
Your words still echo in my ears, usually when I least expect them:
ReplyDeleteThe "If everything else was stripped away from me, would you be enough, God?" idea from when you spoke at the Gathering.
"Love is a funny thing sometimes."
I realize neither of these thoughts are overtly related to your post, but they ring in my ears and stir in my heart, and I just wanted to thank you for always being blunt and honest with me. God continues to use it to impact me even when you're not around (: Keep filling us in on these adventures.